Inspiration
by Christine M. Greenleaf
Summary: The Joker starts making mistakes and running out of ideas for killing Batman. As he sinks deeper into depression, Harley Quinn determines to inspire him as only a woman can. It's a decision she comes to regret when it works too well, and the Joker becomes completely dependent on her for inspiration.
1. Chapter 1

**Inspiration **

Harley Quinn was humming in the shower, enjoying the warmth of the water rushing down her skin as she shampooed her hair. She usually sang at the top of her lungs in the shower, but Mr. J was still asleep and she didn't want to wake him. Well, not until her shower was over, she thought, with a smile, after which she intended to creep back to bed, climb under the covers, and cuddle him naked to see if she could get him in the mood. There was no guarantee that that would do it – Mr. J wasn't like normal guys, and sometimes the sight of her body alone didn't do anything for him. He usually had to bruise that body a bit, slap it around or break it a little before the mood seized him. But Harley was fine with that. Truth to tell, she enjoyed it. She had never wanted just a normal guy, and puddin' was anything but that. She couldn't expect someone as special as him to have the same passions and desires as other men – she would be disappointed if he did. But throughout their relationship, Harley had learned little secrets, little tips and tricks for turning him on, things that would never work with other guys. Which is why she intended to not only cuddle him naked, but to have the whoopie cushion ready as well.

She had been enjoying the thought of things to come when she suddenly heard a loud pounding on the bathroom door. "Harley!" shouted a familiar voice. "Get the hell outta there right now!"

"I'm just washing my hair, puddin', I'll be out in a second!" she called.

She heard a growl, and then the sound of gunshots, and a loud crash as the bathroom door fell to the ground. A moment later, the shower curtain was ripped aside and Harley saw the angry face of the Joker, twisted in rage.

"My turn - out now!" he snapped, seizing her arm and dragging her out of the shower. She was too stunned to even grab a towel as he immediately began to strip off his pajamas. "Why didn't you wake me up earlier, you stupid woman?" he demanded. "I'm late for my battle with the Bat!"

"I didn't know you had a battle scheduled for today, puddin'…" began Harley.

"You read the calendar?" he demanded.

"Yeah, but there weren't anything written down…for…" Harley trailed off as he finished undressing, and she could only gaze at him with her mouth open, stunned as she always was by his incredible attractiveness.

"I might have forgotten to write it down," he retorted, jumping into the shower and pulling the curtain. "You should have reminded me. Now go get dressed – the boys will be here any minute."

"Oh…yeah…sure, puddin'," she stammered. But she pulled aside the curtain again, unable to take her eyes off he gorgeous sight of his naked body.

"Harley, I'm trying to get a shower!" he snapped.

"Yeah…I know," she breathed, climbing in to join him. "Maybe you could help me finish mine…soap me up a little, huh, Mr. J?" she breathed, handing him a bar of soap. "I'd be happy to return the favor," she whispered, leaning forward to kiss him.

"Harley, get off!" he snapped, shoving her away. "I don't have time for this! I ain't gonna keep the Bat waiting because my dumb blonde floozy wants to make ha ha. How pathetic would that be?!"

"I don't think it would be pathetic to put me first for once, Mr. J," murmured Harley, a little hurt.

"Yeah, well, you wouldn't, because you _are _pathetic!" he retorted. "Now get the hell outta here, would ya?!"

Harley sighed in resignation and turned to go. "Harley, wait…" he said, catching her arm. "C'mere."

He suddenly pulled her into his embrace, bending her over backward and kissing her. Harley returned the kiss with passion, feeling her love for him bubbling up inside her as it always did when she was near him, making every inch of her feel happy and alive.

He released her, and she saw that he was grinning insanely. She had never been the cause of that kind of happiness before, and she felt her heart soar. Until he pushed her backward, and she suddenly slipped on the bar of soap he had placed on the floor while kissing her. She fell to the ground, crying out in pain, and she heard him chuckling maniacally. She rose to her feet slowly, wincing, feeling the tears come to her eyes. She should have known that it was a joke that made him smile like that, not her. Never her.

"Now out, out, out!" he snapped, suddenly seizing her arm again and shoving her out of the door, slamming and locking it behind him.

"But…Mr. J!" cried Harley, banging on it. "Mr. J, I ain't got a towel or nothing!"

She heard voices coming down the hall – male voices. The henchmen were gonna see her naked. She thought she would die of embarrassment. She fled down the corridor, hiding in one of the rooms while she waited for them to pass, but then realized with a sinking heart that she needed to get through the common room to get back to their bedroom.

She noticed that Rocco was at the back of the line of henchmen, and seized his arm. He turned and stared at her, stunned, but she put a finger to his lips and dragged him into the room.

"Sorry to embarrass you like this, Roc, but you think I could borrow your jacket?" she asked. "Mr. J kicked me outta the shower."

"Oh…sure…no problem, Harley," stammered Rocco, averting his eyes as he pulled off his jacket. Harley would never have trusted any of the other henchmen but him, but Rocco had always been very protective and fatherly towards her, and he was a geniunely decent man.

"C'mon, hide behind me and we'll sneak you past the others," he said when she had pulled his jacket on. "I'm certainly wide enough to conceal you."

They slipped through the room without being noticed, and Harley retreated into the safety of her bedroom. "Thanks, Roc," she said, reaching for her robe and handing Rocco his jacket back. "I'm sorry about that, but you know how Mr. J gets when his attention's focused on the Bat. He ain't aware of anything else."

"Don't mention it, Harley," replied Rocco, forcing a smile. Truthfully, he hated the way Harley was treated by the boss, like an object, with no consideration for her feelings. Just because she was used to it didn't make it right, by any means.

"I'll…um…see you soon," he said, leaving the room and shutting the door. Harley began dressing in her usual costume. While she was putting on her makeup, the Joker entered the room with a towel wrapped around his waist, and grabbed his suit from the closet. He didn't apologize for kicking her out, and Harley didn't expect him to. She finished her makeup and calmly went over to tie his bowtie for him.

"Where are we going, puddin'?" she asked.

"You'll find out the same time as everyone else," he retorted. "Now concentrate, Harley."

Harley nodded and didn't say anything else as she finished his bowtie and began combing his hair. Mr. J didn't like being late for things – he got agitated when he had to rush. And when he had a battle with the Bat scheduled, he had a one-track mind. If Harley had suddenly suffered a stroke at that moment and lay on the ground gasping for air, he would have told her to get up and over it, and then left her lying there if she didn't. She knew that, and for an instant she felt like that probably wasn't right – to be in a relationship with a guy whose first priority wasn't her safety and well-being. To be in a relationship with a guy who put someone else first, instead of her. But there was nothing she could do about it except accept it, or leave it. And she could never leave Mr. J, not for anything in the world.

She gazed at him adoringly and, overwhelmed by a sudden rush of affection for him, kissed him tenderly. "Harley, get off!" he snapped, shoving her away. "I told you we ain't got time for this! We got twenty minutes to get across town and be ready for Batsy when he shows up! He ain't gonna be late, so neither should we!"

Twenty minutes later, Harley, Joker, and the henchmen were all waiting on the roof of the Gotham Natural History Museum. Forty minutes later, they were still waiting. An hour later, Harley tentatively said, "Um…Mr. J? I don't think he's coming."

Joker checked his watch, eyebrows narrowed. "I don't understand," he muttered. "I made sure the heist was rumored to be going down at nine o'clock. Maybe he thought I meant in the evening?"

He glanced around the sky again. "Harley, what day of the week is it?"

"Wednesday, puddin'," she replied.

"Wednesday," he repeated. "Oh. Thought it was Tuesday."

Harley stared at him. Mr. J never got dates wrong. For a raving lunatic, he was always very precise with dates and times, especially when they involved a battle with Batman. Mr. J had never lost track of the dates before. It just didn't happen.

He stared at the sky a few moments more, and then said, "Well, he ain't gonna come if it's the wrong day. No wonder there was nothing written on the calendar. We'd better beat it, boys."

"You don't wanna take any loot with us, boss?" asked Rocco.

"Nah, no point if Batsy ain't gonna show up," sighed Joker. "Let's just go home."

He headed down the stairs of the fire escape, but Harley caught his hand. "Mr. J," she said quietly. "Are you ok?"

"Fine, Harley," he murmured. "I'm fine."

"It's just…you ain't ever got the date wrong before…" she began.

"I said I was fine, you worthless little brat!" he snapped, shoving her violently away from him. "Don't contradict me!"

"I ain't contradicting you, I'm just worried…" began Harley, but he struck her suddenly.

"You just contradicted me just now, you stupid woman!" he shouted. "Keep your useless mouth shut, all right?"

"Yes, sir," she whispered, trying to hold back tears.

He stormed off, and Rocco gently put his arm around Harley. "Don't worry, Harley," he murmured. "I'm sure it's just a one-off thing. Everyone makes mistakes, right?"

"Mr. J don't," breathed Harley. "He's perfect."

"Well, I'm sure he'll be back on form tomorrow," replied Rocco. "He's just had one bad day. Nothing to worry about."

"No," agreed Harley, gazing after Joker in concern. "No, I guess it ain't."


	2. Chapter 2

One bad day may not have been a cause for concern. But when the bad days continued, Harley began to be seriously worried. The day after was supposedly Joker's day off, and he spent it as he usually spent his days off: sitting in his boxers and undershirt on the couch, eating chocolatey cereal and watching old comedies. It was a surprise to both him and Harley, who snuggled against him in her pajamas, when a black shape suddenly burst through the roof and Batman landed in front of the TV, Batarang primed and growling, "It's over, Joker."

Joker stared at him. "Batsy…" he stammered. "What…are you doing here?"

"I'm here because you're committing a crime," he snapped. He looked around. "Aren't you?" he demanded, in a more hesitant tone than usual.

"Erm…no," Joker replied. "Should I be?"

"Well…that's what I heard," retorted Batman. "Scheme planned for the 23rd, right?"

"The 23rd?" repeated Joker. "Is it the 23rd today?!" he exclaimed, rushing over to the calendar. "Aw, Jesus Christ, it is! Why didn't you tell me, Harley?!" he shouted, rounding on her.

"But there ain't nothing written on the calendar for the 23rd, puddin'…" began Harley.

"Because I forgot to write it down!" he yelled. "But you should have reminded me anyway!"

"How am I meant to remind you of stuff you don't tell me about?!" shrieked Harley.

"Ok, well, since you're not doing anything wrong…" began Batman, slowly heading for the door. He suddenly did a double take as he noticed the pattern on Joker's boxers. "Is that…my logo?"

"Yeah, Harley bought them for me," Joker said hastily.

"I did no such thing, puddin'…"

"You shut your mouth, you little brat!" he snapped.

"He loves it, Batsy, he sometimes asks me if I wanna turn on the Bat-signal," snapped Harley. "I bet Bats doesn't even use that line on a gal!"

"Well, maybe if he did, he'd be more successful with the ladies," retorted Joker.

"I'm just…gonna go," said Batman slowly.

"I'm really sorry you had to come all this way for nothing, Bats," said Joker, following him to the door. "But at least it wasn't a total loss! You got to see me in my underwear, so that makes it all worthwhile, right?"

He laughed until the door shut, and then immediately stopped, his face twisting in fury as he threw the bowl of cereal against the wall. "What the hell is wrong with me?!" he shouted.

"What, with the Batman boxers? I dunno, puddin', I've just learned to accept it…"

"Not the boxers! The fact that I can't keep track of what I got planned no more!" he shouted, seizing the calendar and tearing it up. "I never had a problem remembering stuff before!"

"Well, it's natural as people get older that they forget stuff, puddin'…" began Harley.

He grabbed her pigtails and yanked her violently to her feet. "You calling me old?" he hissed. "Are you implying I'm senile?! Is that what you're saying, Harley?!"

"No, Mr. J, I just think…ow!" she shrieked as he lifted her off her feet by her hair and threw her across the room.

"You don't think, you dumb blonde!" he shouted. "You don't think anything! There ain't a single thought in that empty skull of yours! And if there was, nobody would care! Now just shut up, would ya?!" he snapped, seizing the remote and turning up the volume on the TV as he sat down angrily on the sofa again.

"Yes…puddin'," stammered Harley, curling up in the corner and trying not to cry.

He glared at her suddenly. "What the hell are you doing just lying there?!" he snapped. "Go and get me some more cereal!"

"Yes, Mr. J," she said hastily, struggling to her feet and rushing from the room.

The day after, Harley didn't see Mr. J. He was already working in his study when she woke up, and she knew better than to disturb him. He stayed there the whole day. When three days had passed and she still hadn't seen him, Harley risked his wrath and went to his study, tapping gently on the door. "Mr. J?" she said, slowly pushing the door open. "Puddin'? You ok?"

A single lamp was burning in the room, and Harley flicked on the overhead light. She suddenly saw that the walls were filled with drawings, plans and schemes and random numbers, but all disjointed and unconnected. In the center of the chaos, surrounded by papers, sat the Joker, hair untidy and clothing disheveled, staring blankly at the empty page in front of him and tapping his pencil on the desk.

"Puddin'?" said Harley gently, laying a hand on his arm.

"A giant seltzer bottle, Harley," he murmured.

"What?" asked Harley, puzzled.

"I don't think they even make giant seltzer bottles," he murmured. "Certainly not thirty feet tall anyway. I wouldn't even know where to commission one."

"Puddin', you ain't making any sense…" began Harley.

"And it ain't funny, Bat Soda," continued Joker, ignoring her. "Where's the gag in that?"

He groaned, burying his face in his hands. "I've lost it, Harley," he murmured.

"What have you lost, puddin'?" asked Harley gently.

"Inspiration," he murmured. "Whatever glorious madness motivated me before in my attempts to kill the Bat. It's all gone dark now, it's all empty and vacant. Barren," he muttered, laying his head down on the desk.

"Aw, now puddin', don't be so melodramatic," murmured Harley, soothingly, as she stroked his hair back. "I'm sure we can find a way to inspire you again. What you just need is a little relaxation. You've been working awfully hard lately, and you've probably just burnt yourself out."

"I could…I could burn him!" exclaimed Joker, lifting his head hopefully. "A Bat-beque, a Bat Roast, a…" He groaned again, and replaced his head on the desk. "No, no, no, it's no good. It's all wrong. Everything…all wrong."

"But you can't give up, puddin'," said Harley. "That ain't the Mr. J I know. He don't ever give up on his dream of a world where everybody is always laughing. You gotta keep hold of that, puddin', and never let it die. The world and the Bat keep beating you down, but you don't ever let go of your dream. That's one of the things I love most about you, puddin', your determination."

Joker stared at her, not listening to a word she was saying. He was having a fantasy of laughing hysterically while clubbing Batman to death with a bat to the tune of _We Are the Champions_. He did smile at this, and Harley took heart.

"Y'see, puddin', life ain't so bad after all!" she said, hugging him. "And if you wanna try to find some inspiration again, maybe your Harley girl can help with that," she murmured, sliding a hand down to his belt and playing with his bowtie. "I can find the whoopie cushion," she breathed, kissing him.

Joker sighed heavily. "All right," he muttered, standing up and stretching. "I guess I could use some exercise after sitting at my desk for three days."

Harley beamed. "C'mon, then, puddin'," she breathed, leading him out of the study and back to their bedroom.

Harley was a girl who really enjoyed physical affection, and had no qualms about very vocally expressing her enjoyment. "Oh, Mr. J! Oh, Mr. J, yes! Yes, yes, oh, right there! Oh, oh, puddin', that's…"

"That's it!" cried Joker, abruptly climbing off her.

Harley, who had her eyes shut in pleasure, was shocked to be abandoned in the middle of things, and slowly opened her eyes to see the Joker scribbling something down on a piece of paper.

"What's…what, puddin'?" she breathed, gently sitting up.

"I've got it, Harley!" he exclaimed, holding up the paper and beaming at it. "I've got the perfect plan to kill Batman!"

"Oh," said Harley, slowly. "You were…um…thinking about that…while we were…um…"

"No, no, I wasn't, pooh, it just came to me in a flash of light!" he exclaimed, grinning madly. "A burst of inspiration come down from heaven! Oh, it's genius, if I do say so myself! Absolute genius!" he cried, chuckling madly.

"That's…um…that's great, Mr. J," said Harley, slowly. "But you think maybe we could get back to…um…"

"Of course, pumpkin pie," he chuckled, kissing her. "Gotta see if it was just a fluke or if you really do inspire me, don't I, pooh bear?"

They resumed, and Harley very quickly discovered that it wasn't a fluke. Just as she was losing herself in the ecstasy once more, the same thing happened. Mr. J gave a cry of triumph and abandoned her in favor of writing something down. When this had happened five times, Harley resolved to call it a night. She was unsatisfied, but it didn't really look like she was going to be satisfied tonight, and she was sick of being interrupted in the middle of things. She rolled over and shut her eyes, and was surprised when Joker curled up next to her, cuddling her in his arms. "Harley," he breathed in her ear. "You've done it, baby. You've inspired me."

"Yeah, Mr. J?" breathed Harley, grinning despite herself and rolling over to face him.

"Yeah," he whispered, kissing her. "I'm feeling just like my old self again, and it's all because of you. You've saved me, Harley. I love you, baby."

"Oh, Mr. J," whispered Harley, tears in her eyes. "I love you too."

He clasped her tightly against him. "Goodnight, my little muse."

"Goodnight, Mr. J," she murmured, beaming as she shut her eyes. Although it was a little annoying that Mr. J didn't finish what he started, she wasn't about to complain about this.

She was going to change her mind very soon.


	3. Chapter 3

Poison Ivy opened the door in response to the knocking. "Harley. This is a surprise," she said, slowly. She wasn't sure whether it was a pleasant or unpleasant one yet. "This just a social call?"

"Sort of," said Harley, looking uncomfortable. "I just need to…talk to you about something, Red."

"Well, I'm happy to listen," said Ivy, relieved, as she gestured her inside. It was nice to know that Harley wasn't here to stay with her for an indefinite amount of time until Joker took her back, as was usually the case when she appeared randomly.

"What's on your mind?" she asked as she sat down on the sofa.

Harley sat next to her, looking down at her hands and playing with her fingers. "Um…I don't really know how to begin to tell you about this, Red…" she said, slowly. "It involves me and Mr. J…as a couple…physically."

"Oh," said Ivy, her relief vanishing in a flood of horror. "Oh…ok, Harley. Why don't you just keep the details on a need-to-know basis?" she suggested.

Harley nodded. "Um…he was going through a bit of a dry patch in his ideas for killing the Bat. So I suggested that maybe I could…um…inspire him again. And so we…um…got down to business, and…erm…during the middle of things…before either of us were…um…finished…"

"Harley, do I need to know this?" interrupted Ivy, shutting her eyes tightly.

"Yes," retorted Harley. "In the middle of things, he suddenly…stops. And goes to write something down. His perfect idea for killing the Bat, which I just suddenly inspired him with. And we get back at it afterward, but the same thing happens. And now he…he wants it all the time, Red. But he never…we never get to…I never get to the…erm…climax. He's always up for it, but I'm always…so frustrated. I don't know what to do, Red, but I just can't take it anymore. This ain't never happened with you, has it? I know you're a lot more experienced with guys than I am, and I just thought maybe you would have some advice for…for getting him to…erm…finish what he starts."

Ivy stared at her aghast. "He gets inspired to kill the Bat…by being intimate with you? Does that mean he's thinking about the Bat when…"

"No, I don't think it's anything like that," interrupted Harley. "It's just a burst of inspiration, y'know, outta nowhere." She sighed heavily, putting her head in her hands. "For the first time in our relationship, he really wants me, all the time…and I hate it. Because I know it ain't me he wants. He ain't in the mood for me, he's in the mood for himself, as usual! He don't want me for me, he wants me for my body! And he don't care about my feelings or my happiness! I don't mean nothing to him!"

She burst into tears. Ivy hugged her, trying to console her, while simultaenously trying to erase the horrific images from her mind.

Harley stopped crying at last and looked up at Ivy through tear-stained eyes. "This ain't…ever happened to you, has it, Red?" she asked.

"What, a man stopping halfway through sex with me because he wants to write down an idea for killing another guy?" asked Ivy. "No, I can't say that it has. But being left physically unsatisfied by men…sure, that's happened."

"How do you…um…deal with it?" asked Harley.

Ivy sighed, running her fingers through her hair. She wasn't actually that comfortable discussing things like this with Harley. In many ways, Harley was still a child in her eyes, and strangely enough, for a girl who was in a romantic relationship with the Joker, still an innocent. "Well…there are always…toys," she said slowly.

Harley stared at her. "You mean like the whoopie cushion? That's one of my favorites…"

"Whoopie cushion?" repeated Ivy, puzzled. "Um…no. I mean like…vibrating toys."

Harley looked blankly back at her. "You think me giving Mr. J a toy as a present is gonna make him more in the mood for me?" she asked. "Well, it don't seem very likely – he's never wanted to do that because I gave him presents before, but I'm desperate at this point…"

"No, no, Harley, not for J," she interrupted. "For yourself."

"I don't understand how me giving myself a toy is gonna make me feel better…"

"Oh, c'mon, Harley, you and J must sometimes use toys during sex!" snapped Ivy.

"Well yeah, but he uses them on me…"

"So use them on yourself!"

She gaped at her. "You mean…without him? But where would be the fun in that, Red? Sex ain't no fun without Mr. J…"

"I'm just saying, Harley, that if you're desperate, there are ways to relieve the frustation," snapped Ivy.

"Oh yeah, there are superficial ways, sure," agreed Harley. "But it wouldn't make me feel any better, Red, not really. I do love sex, don't get me wrong, but I love it because it's…with him. When we used to do it…before…well, Mr. J was pretty rarely in the mood. But when he was…he made me feel so…special. And we were together, really together. That's why I loved it. Because I knew when we did this, that it was me he wanted to be with, really me, and only me. Him and me and nobody else in the world, no Bat, no nothing. And it was…incredible. Not just because it was sex, but because it was sex with a guy I knew loved me, really loved me. And that makes all the difference, Red. The feeling itself, it's great, but on its own, it just feels kinda…worthless. When I'm with Mr. J, it feels worthwhile. It feels…perfect. I feel perfect. And if it were just me, on my own…it wouldn't feel right, Red."

"Harley, plenty of people have sex just for the sake of releasing tension," retorted Ivy. "And plenty of people have sex with people they're not madly in love with."

"Well, I can't help that they're wrong," retorted Harley. "I mean, no offense to you, Red, but it just wouldn't feel right to me. Mr. J is my soulmate, my one true love, and I saved myself for him. He's the only one who should be allowed to make me feel that way."

"Harley, I can't help that you're crazy," snapped Ivy. "I'm just telling you that if I were in your shoes, I'd go out and buy myself a vibrator. See if they have a Batman one, so J can join in the fun. Maybe if you want to rekindle his interest in you, you could try dressing up as the Bat, because that's clearly the only person he really loves, aside from himself."

"No, he does love me, Red," Harley murmured, tears in her eyes. "I just wish I knew how to remind him of that."

She sighed heavily. "Well, thanks for listening, Red. I'm gonna go home and…" she paused. "How do you get outta having sex with someone? I ain't ever had to do that before."

"What in general? I used to think looking permanently like a clown would do it, but then I met you," sighed Ivy. "But if you want an excuse…um…say you have a headache? That's a classic."

"Headache," repeated Harley, nodding. "Yeah, that's good. Thanks, Red."

"No problem, Harley. I hope…things get better between you and J," she said sincerely. She did hope that, not only for Harley's sake, but for her own.

"Yeah, me too," sighed Harley. "Bye, Red."

Ivy shut the door after her. Then she buried her face in her hands, shuddering. "Oh God, why isn't there a way of erasing images from your mind?" she muttered. "Might have to try being brainwashed next time I'm at Arkham. Anything to help me forget."


	4. Chapter 4

"Harley. Daddy's in the mood for some playtime."

Harley opened her eyes to see the Joker gently stroking her cheek, smiling at her. "Um…not right now, Mr. J, I got a headache," she said, yawning.

"You had a headache last night," he retorted, frowning.

"Yeah, I got another one," she snapped. "Probably getting a cold or something, and I wouldn't wanna pass that onto you. And I'm tired tonight, puddin'. Let's just go to sleep, ok?"

"Aw, c'mon, baby," he whispered, nuzzling her face. "Doncha wanna have a little fun with Daddy?"

Harley gazed at him. "Is that all this is to you?" she murmured. "Fun?"

"Of course not, pumpkin pie," he replied. "At the moment, it's work."

"Work?!" repeated Harley, furiously.

"Yeah. Not in that it's difficult, or anything, just that it helps me with my work…"

She rolled away from him angrily. "Well, I'm real sorry I can't help you with your work tonight, Mr. J," she snapped sarcastically.

He looked at her. "Harley, what's the matter?" he murmured. "I thought you'd be happy about this. You inspire me, baby, I need you…"

"No, you need my body, Mr. J!" she snapped. "You could probably have sex with anyone and the result would be the same! It's not me you need, it's the…parts I have! Why doncha just go buy an inflatable doll or something?"

He stared at her. "Harley, baby, I'm surprised at you," he murmured. "Is that really all you see yourself as? My sex doll?"

"At the moment, yes, Mr. J!" snapped Harley. "Because you don't seem to care about my feelings as long as your satisfied by your little schemes and plots! Do you even think about me when we're together?! Or do you think about him?! You probably are in love with him, just like Red said!"

He sighed heavily. "Oh God, you've been talking to the Weed Lady. No wonder you're in a bad mood. The crazy bitch probably told you all kinds of made-up crap…"

"I went to see her, Mr. J, to see if she could give me any advice about how to make you interested in me again!" shrieked Harley. "Me, Mr. J! Not my body, not the Bat, not this inspirational sex muse you seem to have, but me! Harley Quinn! But maybe that's all you were interested in from the beginning! Maybe I was just a tool for you to use, first to escape from Arkham, and now to…inspire you! Well, I'm sick of being used, Mr. J! I just wanna be loved again!"

She burst into tears. He gazed at her for a long time, and then gently embraced her. "Harley," he murmured. "Harley, my stupid, silly little baby."

He tilted her chin up and grinned. "You really are impossible to satisfy, aren't you? Maybe that's why I don't try. When I'm ignoring you, you complain about that, and then when I'm with you every night, you complain about that."

"You ain't with me, Mr. J," she whispered. "That's the problem. You're off somewhere in your head with the Bat."

He kissed her tenderly. "I'm with you, Harley," he murmured. "Y'see, I'm a genius. You know that, pumpkin. But even a genius can't be brilliant all the time. He can't be brilliant if things in his world ain't right, for instance. You remember that time when I thought the Bat was dead? You remember how I was all depressed until I realized it wasn't true? You know why that was?"

"Well…yeah. Because you need the Bat, Mr. J. He makes you happy," replied Harley.

"Yeah. I need him. It's a mad world, Harley girl, you know that if anyone does. Guy could go crazy in it really easily, unless he has something to hang onto, something stable, like an anchor keeping him sane. Or at least, keeping him in the kinda madness he's used to. Bats is one of my anchors. When he's around, I know who I am. I'm the Joker, his arch-nemesis. I know who I am, and I know what to do. The future is clear and bright. I have a purpose, and a plan, and I'm happy. If he suddenly got taken away…things wouldn't be right. I couldn't be the genius that I am. You understand that?"

"Yeah," she replied. "But what's any of that got to do with this, Mr. J?"

He kissed her again. "Because you're the other anchor, baby," he murmured. "When I'm with you, close to you, near you, inside you…I know everything's right. And so my genius can assert itself. It creeps out of the dark corners of my mind and makes everything clear to me. It's fragile, though, genius. You gotta seize it when it appears. And it's moody too, sometimes it don't appear when you wanna. Sometimes you need to do something to inspire it."

He stroked her hair back. "When I'm with you, it knows it's safe. It knows it can come out. It trusts you, baby, and it needs you. People sometimes compare genius to a child. And my child needs my Harley girl to put a smile on his face. I dunno why he's so reluctant to show himself right now, but I'm just glad he's got you to fall back on. Or to fall on your back for him, I guess," he chuckled.

He cupped her face gently. "It's funny, y'know," he murmured. "Quite the little joke, really."

"What, puddin'?" she whispered.

"You got no brains, you got no talents, you're a useless, annoying, worthless little thorn in my side who just clings on and don't let go," he murmured. "And yet for some reason, maybe because you ain't got any genius of your own, you're a perfect inspiration for my genius. You're like a lightning rod – genius passes through you without actually touching you. And yet people do need those in storms, y'know. Completely useless most of the time, lightning rods, but when the storm hits…well, people are glad it's there."

"Yeah? You're…glad I'm here, Mr. J?" whispered Harley, tears in her eyes.

"I was talking about lightning rods, Harley," he said, yawning. "Didn't say anything about you, did I? Now go to sleep so you can get over your headache."

He rolled over away from her. Harley stared at the ceiling thinking about what he had said, and then cuddled up next to him. "I love you, Mr. J," she whispered.

"Yeah, yeah, I know," he murmured.

"Goodnight, my genius," she whispered.

He was silent for a long time and Harley figured he had fallen asleep. Then he whispered, "Goodnight, my little joke."

It certainly wasn't the most complimentary thing a guy had ever called a gal. But as Harley drifted off to sleep with a smile on her face, she couldn't imagine anything else she'd rather be.


	5. Chapter 5

Harley awoke the next morning to an empty bed. "Puddin'?" she said, sitting up slowly and looking around. He wasn't in their bedroom. She threw on a robe and went down the hall to the Joker's study. "Puddin'?" she said, knocking on the door.

She received a grunt as a response and opened the door to see him feverishly writing down several pages of notes and diagrams. "Oh…wow, puddin', you've been busy," she said, coming over to study them.

He grunted again, not pausing in his work. "I was gonna see if you needed a little inspiration this morning, but I guess not," said Harley.

"Nope," he retorted, eyes flicking rapidly between the pages. "I'm over my dry spell. Don't need you to inspire me no more, Harley. Got plenty of ideas on my own, as you can see."

"Oh," said Harley quietly. She was a little hurt – despite how she had objected to it, it was kinda nice to feel needed really. "Ok, then, Mr. J, if you don't need me, I'll just go…" she murmured, heading for the door.

He seized her arm. "Didn't say I didn't need you, did I?!" he snapped. "You deaf?! I said I didn't need you to inspire me no more, not that I don't need you no more! You ain't going anywhere! What if this kinda thing happens again, huh, Harley?! Gotta keep you around, don't I, just to be on the safe side! I'm stuck with you, ain't I, so I better just make the best of it! Now c'mere, you little brat!" he said, slamming her down on the desk.

Harley had to admit, the delay in gratification certainly made the climax extraordinarily satisfying. She was still trying to recover herself when the Joker stood up and hauled her to her feet. "Now go get dressed, you useless waste of space – we got a battle with the Bat in an hour and I ain't gonna be late!"

"Sure thing…Mr. J," gasped Harley. She passed by the calendar on the way to the door, and saw that there was indeed a battle scheduled for today in an hour. She smiled. Mr. J was clearly back to his usual, perfect, happy self. She didn't like to give herself too much credit for it, but it might never have happened without her being his lightning rod, or whatever he had called her. His little joke.

She turned back. "Mr. J?" she asked.

"What?" he snapped. "Ain't you satisfied now, for Christ's sake?"

"Yeah, Mr. J," she replied, smiling. "I just wanna say…I love you, puddin'."

He grunted, going back to his work. "Do you…um…love me too?" she asked.

He grunted again, and she beamed. "I'll take that as a yes," she murmured, shutting the study door and skipping off down the hall to get ready.

**The End**


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